Swirling a Family

Blending a family is tough stuff. You will find that our response is usually, "It is hard work but it is worth it." According to statistics, our family is making great progress after close to three years. Our kids came to us early on and said they did not like the words "blended family". They quickly informed us that "we are just a family". So we decided to say we are swirling. Boy, are we swirling! Some days my head and my heart are swirling like crazy. There is a reason love comes first. Then comes marriage. Then comes Morgan, Harrison, Abby and Landon in the baby carriage. Life happens and we don't always get the order right, but God is a God of order.

I can't begin to tell you all the obvious things that Ridley and I began praying for as we were dating and looking towards marriage. There were the financial provisions, the disciplining of children, the spiritual influence we wanted to have on our kids, dealing with grief and insecurities, etc. As we started our family, we had no idea about the little things that would come up which needed lots of prayer. There were things like how we cooked green beans, merging Christmas decorations (oh me), how we spent our free time, how we folded socks, what the kids wanted to call us, Harrison being exposed to mascara and tampons. All those little things were adjustments... Challenges... Opportunities. We literally started blocking out time in our schedules to allow for drama and meltdowns. We never knew when they were coming. A man and woman fall in love, but the kids don't fall in love instantly. Bottom line is it takes time. Lots of patience and time. We were newlyweds who were investing in each other and parents who were tending to the new needs of our kids.

One key element in swirling is respect. You don't have to always understand the other person but you must respect them. As the best counselor in the world, Mr. Larry, would say to me all the time, "It's not about you". Those were some of the wisest words from one of my sessions years ago. I often want to scream, "Can it be about me just for a minute?" However, in order to be in God's will, I have to be out of my own. That means dying to self. Matthew 16:24 says, "if any man will come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me." John 3:30 reminds me in order for that to happen, "He must increase, but I must decrease."

Here are my top 10 "it's not about you" tips for swirling a family:

1. God must be in the center and you take everything (big or small) to Him.

2. Put your spouse before your kids. This will be a change since you have been a single parent. Find a meeting place in your house. Designate an area where you can lock a door for 15 minutes to pray, consult regarding a decision, or cry together.

3. Eliminate the dividing line as much as possible. We had (and still have) people that didn't want to celebrate what God was doing in our family. They were excited for us but had a hard time accepting the changes that came with our new family. Some still wanted to take two of our kids here or the other two there. Stand your ground to present your family as a package deal. It provides your kids security and helps others to find their new role in your life.

4. It is ok to tell your children that you need to discuss something before making a decision and you will get back with them. This shows them that you desire to be on the same page as parents and doesn't allow for playing one parent against the other.

5. Respect the other parents. You will find pictures of Harrison's and Abby's mom in our house and open conversations about Morgan's and Landon's dad. We often include statements in our conversation like "I think your mom would be super proud of you" or "how do you think that is going to make your dad feel?"

6. Counseling is a good thing for everybody. It doesn't have to happen right in the beginning and it doesn't need to be put off until it is too late. I obviously recommend Mr. Larry if you need a good one.

7. Have family meetings. Set apart a time when real feelings are welcomed and there is an understanding that they must be received in love. Talk and pray through challenges one step at a time as a family.

8. Eat dinner at the table and have quiet time as a family together as much as possible. If you have to pack a dinner to eat on the bleachers while at a baseball game, then do it.

9. Support each other in hobby and events. Each of our kids are expected to be at the other's sporting events, plays, 4-H competitions, etc. as much as possible.

10. Be patient! It takes time. Pray your heart out. Invest in a big wipe off calendar. Schedule date nights. Never quit or even say those words.

Love on a family you might know that is swirling. Commit to pray for them. It makes a difference.