You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence... Psalm 16:11

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Finding My Way Through the Memories

With yesterday being my birthday, I couldn't help but think about memories. Most of the time it has been more fun for me to think about the memories of my younger days with family and celebrations. As I got older, special events and birthdays became a magnet for disappointment. When I was married before, I found myself dreading those memory making moments. I had grown somewhat numb to the treatment I got (or didn't get) on days like my birthday. However, I worried about my kids, my extended family and my friends as they watched with anticipation of a new opportunity for things to be different. Those special people in my life stepped up each year to try to recreate sweet memories for me. Those did matter and carried me most times.

Being married to Ridley for four years now, I find myself wanting to slow down time since I just found him. Then at times I want it to all go fast so I can have more memories under my belt that are happy, loving and fun to remember. Part of "do overs" in life is finding the balance between what to remember and what to forget. It is about remembering the things that are productive to remember so you can trace God's grace in your life and live grateful each day. It is letting go of the old things that try to creep into the new memories and eat away at them like a cancer.

A couple of weeks ago I was at a family reunion with Ridley's family....his big, extended family. There were eighty plus people there and typically that is what you will find every Memorial Day Weekend. I sit and listen to stories and honestly, I still try to remember who goes with who. It is a lot to keep up with. I love getting to know each family member and I love listening to stories as I try to cram as many in my memory bank as I can. They have been so loving and accepting of me and my girls. On Sunday morning, during this year's family reunion worship time, there was a memorial service moment where we remembered and reflected on the family that has passed away. With each picture on the screen, I had very few memories to reflect on. I sat in my chair almost wanting to squeeze my eyes shut as if to make some appear in my thoughts. I will admit it was a bit of an empty feeling. There were pictures of Josh and Sarah as well. I am the first to want to keep those memories alive for the people I love, but in that brief moment I felt I was in the way.

For the next few days, my thoughts would trail to my negative memories that I really want to forget most of the time. Then my thoughts went to the fact that I don't have very many new memories to cling to. That doesn't mean I don't have great friend and family memories over the years, but I am referring to my immediate family, grown up memories. I guess you could say it is the mom, the dad and the kid memories. I couldn't find my place in the memory department. It was almost like watching a DVD and rewinding or fast forwarding to get to the right place in the movie, but you just keep passing it by.

As I was driving one of the days after the reunion, the verse Jeremiah 1:5 popped in my head from nowhere. (I just want to say I don't always remember where something is in the Bible so I have to look it up. Don't ever feel bad for not knowing where to find the verse. It is most important to just know it). Jeremiah 1:5 says, "I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb". In that moment, I took a deep breath and peace landed smack dab in my heart. I am a Jesus memory!

If you are feeling like you are trying to find your place, your worth, your name, or your memory. There is one constant thing you can anchor to. There is one single point of reference you can always go back to safely. There is one mark you can always bank on and shoot for. You are a giant, Jesus memory! May that single thought land smack dab in your heart today and give you PEACE.

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