Last Tough Question - Real Answers - Sarah's Sister

My last conversation is with Tricia who is Sarah's sister. Tears are running down my cheek as I stare at this big white space. I wish Tricia was sitting beside me right now so I could look her in the eye and tell her how much I love her. I wouldn't have guessed that when I first met Ridley that I would feel so much love for The Stevens Family. They may not be my family by blood but they have never (NEVER) made me feel anything less than family. I remember the first time we were driving to Atlanta to meet them. I think Ridley had to stop for me to go to the bathroom about 20 times before we got there. The minute I met Tricia, my stomach eased and my heart was full. I cherish the times I have with her. Her boys greet me with, "Hey Aunt Lisa" and she and Neil make me feel so welcomed in their home. We visit them and they visit us. That doesn't mean it is always easy for her or me at times. That's okay! Two of my favorite memories are one, when I sat in her kitchen looking at a scrapbook of things about Sarah. I want to soak in whatever Tricia wants to share so I can learn more and pass more on to Abby and Harrison. My second favorite is when I sat on my stool in my closet and called her crying. I was uncertain about my parenting with Harrison and Abby. She was so sweet. She told me what Sarah would want and the things she would be pleased with that I am doing. We laughed and cried. I will never forget the love and encouragement she shared that day. My blog may be long today, but Tricia is an amazing, Godly woman. She deserves this time and space.


QUESTION: Where were you when you found out about the wreck? Who notified you and were you told over the phone that Sarah did not make it?


TRICIA: Well, typically we spent Spring Break with Sarah’s family. This particular Spring Break, Sarah, Rid and the kids were coming up to our house to hang out and do things around Atlanta. One afternoon a few weeks before Spring Break, Sarah called to tell me that she had just finished cleaning out their filing cabinet. She came across a deal where they had purchased a trip to Hilton Head where you could stay in HH inexpensively if you visited one of the properties they had for sell. The expiration date was coming up and they needed to go ahead and use the trip before they lost their money. Sarah said they needed to go during Spring Break since that would be the best time to go. She then asked us to go as well. After talking it over with Neil, we decided to just let them go as a family. We knew that they would have to view the property, etc. so we decided to do something different as well. I can remember the disappointment in her voice to this day when I told her to just go ahead and do that trip as a family. We went ahead during that conversation and made a date for our families to be together a few weeks after Spring Break. That would be a weekend in Douglas later in the month. Little did I know at that time that I would still keep that date, but it wouldn’t be to see my sister. It would be to come down and see Rid and the kids and do some things to help Ridley around the house. I remember being in the her home without her……it was a feeling that I could hardly stand.

We went on to Neil’s brother’s mountain house in Highlands, NC for Spring Break. We had just arrived back at the house from eating dinner out. I remember walking into the bedroom and my cell phone was ringing. I answered the phone and it was my brother, Clay. He said hey and then asked me if Neil was with me. I told him that he was and then he asked me if I was sitting down. I sat down on the side of the bed. He went on to say that there had been a terrible accident. He said that Sarah and Rid were coming home from Florida. Well, I knew that they were coming home from Hilton Head. My mind was thinking……you already have your facts wrong so whatever you are about to tell me is wrong too. I knew he had bad news and I did not want to hear it. He went on to say that Ridley and Joshua were taken by helicopter to the hospital. Next he said that Harrison and Abby were okay. Then there was a pause. I said, what about Sarah? He said, ‘Tricia, Sarah went home to be with the Lord.” He began to cry. At that point, I dropped the phone and fell into Neil’s arms. I remember after that just scurrying through the house and collapsing into a corner. Neil came over, picked me up. I remember saying, “What is going on???” Neil said, “It is going to be alright. We are going to make it through this.” He picked me up and we gathered together as a family on the bed and began to pray.


QUESTION: How did you handling the rush of feelings that I can’t even begin to imagine you had?

TRICIA: That night we had to close up the mountain house and get down the mountain. We wanted to get to Douglas as fast as we could. I remember crying all the way home and for so many weeks to follow. I had feelings of disbelief on top of such feelings of sadness. During that first phone call, Clay said that Ridley (along with Josh) had been air-lifted to the hospital (as it turned out, only Josh had been air-lifted). Somewhere down the mountain, I remember thinking back to that conversation with Clay and remembering what he said about Ridley being in serious condition. I turned to Neil and said, “ Sarah is gone. If Ridley does not make it, we will have three more children to love and care for.” The thought of that was both my honor and overwhelming. I was trying to process all that was going on. I had so many questions and not enough answers. I just remember worrying about Ridley, Harrison, Abby and Josh. I remember worrying about my Mom and Dad. I remember just trying to fathom what life would be like without my sister…….my lifelong best friend.

QUESTION: What has the healing process looked like for you?

TRICIA: I always say that without a relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I probably would have curled up into a corner. What some may not know, we had just lost my brother’s little girl, Taylor. She had just passed away 5 months before we lost Sarah and Josh. Taylor was eleven when she passed away due to complications to her appendix. We were already grieving the loss of Taylor in November and then Granddaddy Barron died in February. By the time Sarah and Josh died, you could see why I was asking, “What is going on?” I asked Neil that question that night but I was really directing that question toward God. I did a lot of questioning and wrestling with God. I knew He had a plan but I did not like how the plan was unfolding. I like to describe it like this- I had always walked with my Savior since I was a little girl. I describe it like I was holding on to God with both hands. At some point during the grieving, I pulled one hand out of His and began to shake my fist at Him. Slowly as I worked through the grief and began to rest in the fact that His plan is perfect, I placed my hand back in His. The beautiful part about this picture, my God loves me even when I am shaking my fist at Him. That makes me smile. I remember night after night just crying myself to sleep. I am so thankful to Neil for allowing me to cry on his shoulder so many nights. He seemed to table his grieving to help me through the grieving process. Along with Neil, I had my family and close girlfriends and church family to lean on. I cannot begin to share all the wonderful people that came around us to love us though this hard time.

QUESTION: How did your own family cope?

TRICIA: We were so careful to talk through all that was going on with our boys. Colin was in kindergarten and Caleb was in the 4th grade at the time. They had just lost their cousin, Taylor, and now they lost their Aunt Sarah and cousin, Josh. I wanted them to know that losing three young family members in five months was not the norm. I also did not want them to live in fear of who would be next. I worked hard to bring in books on losing loved ones that were written for children. I wanted them to talk about their feelings so I would know how they were doing. We did a great deal of talking through things and praying together. We were also with Ridley, Harrison, Abby and other family as much as we could be. As much as it magnified the holes that were left in the family, it also helped to be together. It was months later that Neil began to grieve. I realized then that he had tabled his grieving to be there to help me through the grieving. It was now time for me to help him as best I could.

QUESTION: What was the hardest part for you while watching Ridley and the kids? How did you love on them when your own heart was breaking?

TRICIA: It was so hard to watch Ridley, Harrison and Abby as they tried to figure out how to go on without Sarah and Josh. I wanted to fill in the gaps as much as I could when I was around. We stayed for a week in Douglas after Sarah and Josh died. I didn’t want to leave. I remember running around trying to lay out Sunday clothes, helping the kids with their baths, cleaning up, preparing meals and just trying to do for Rid and the kids whatever Sarah would have done. I’ll never forget watching Harrison fall into his Daddy’s arms as he begged for his Mom. It broke my heart. I knew there wasn’t anything I could do to take that pain away. I wanted Sarah to come back too. We went back and forth to Douglas and later Nashville as much as we could. We wanted to be there to help Ridley with the children as much as we could. It was easy to love on them even though our my own heart was breaking. Sarah would have done the same for me.

QUESTION: What is one thing you would want everyone to know about Sarah that maybe a lot of people wouldn’t know?

TRICIA: That is a good question. Most things that I would say……if you knew Sarah then you would already know. She loved her God, husband, children, family and friends well. She loved to help others. She loved to laugh and be silly. That is probably what I miss the most about her…….just being with her…..just being silly and goofy. She was one of my most favorite people on the planet. We could be in a room and just talk to each other with our eyes. We loved to talk weekly about what was going on with our families, with Mom and Dad and in our own lives. We love to bounce things off of each other. One of our favorite things to do was called “Meet in the Middle Day.” No matter where we lived, we would always meet in the middle. The kids would play, we would catch up, have lunch (and ice cream) and then head back to our homes. Many times the middle would be in Macon and we would spend the day with Mom and Dad.

QUESTION: What did you feel/experience when Ridley started dating?

TRICIA: Honestly, it was hard to watch Ridley date. As much as I knew that Ridley needed a helpmate and Harrison and Abby needed a Mom, I didn’t want it to be anyone but Sarah. The women seemed to come out of the woodwork as they say. I remember one woman calling Ridley just two weeks after Sarah died. It really upset me. I couldn’t believe any woman would do something like that. From time to time, Ridley would call to say that he had met someone or was dating someone new. There were quite a few women over the three years until he met you.


QUESTION: What were your initial feelings when you heard we were getting married?

TRICIA: Ridley shared with me and Neil about a conversation that he had with Sarah after Taylor died. He said that he laid in bed with Sarah one night and they had a conversation about what if one of them passed away. He went on to share how they talked about what they would want to have at their funerals (songs, interpretive movement, etc.) and where they would want to be buried. All of these questions came as a result of walking through Taylor’s death. One thing they said to each other will always stick in my mind…… if one of us dies, then we would want the other one to go on and marry again BUT don’t just marry for a wife and don’t just marry for a mother, marry for BOTH. Don’t settle for anything less than the full package- a wife and a mother. I remember the day Ridley called to tell me about you. I was at the ballpark (where I can be found most days). I could tell that the lady he was talking about was different this time. He seemed to be quite sure of himself and quite serious. I remembering praying that day and the days to follow that Ridley would indeed be marrying the full package. I know now that he did!

QUESTION: What do you think Sarah would want me to know that is important for Harrison and Abby?

TRICIA: Sarah would want you to do what you are already doing- loving your God well, loving your husband well, and loving your children well. All of these things were super important to Sarah. Family time was very important to her too. She loved to play with Harrison, Abby and Josh. She always made time to go outside with them and just be with them. It could just be simple things like riding bikes, planting flowers, splashing in a pool, sitting on the patio and swinging. I know Harrison and Abby are older now but there are still simple ways to be together. I know Sarah would want you to treat Harrison and Abby like they were your own. I know you missed the growing up years but God has entrusted them to you now for such a time as this. Love them well and love their Dad well. Show Harrison and Abby what a Godly marriage looks like. Show Harrison what to look for in a Godly wife and how to treat her with love and respect. Show Abby how to love and respect her husband. Show her what a Godly wife and mother looks like and how to be a young woman of modesty. Provide a home that is safe, comfortable and where they are free to be themselves. Try to find ways to keep the memory of their first Mom alive. I think in the end, Harrison and Abby will have so much love and respect for you for allowing Sarah’s memory to be remembered.

QUESTION: You guys were so sweet to come to our wedding and to be a part of our lives? How is that hard or how does it help?

TRICIA: Ridley has been a part of our family since the day he met Sarah. When they walked down the aisle, he became our brother-in-law and a part of our family. That did not change the day Sarah died. We told him then that nothing would ever change. No matter what the future would hold, he would always be our brother and a part of our family. We would continue to be family no matter what. I always prayed that whoever he married, that they would be accepting of us and would want us to be a part of her life. We wanted to be at your wedding. We wanted to be there for Ridley, for you, and for Harrison and Abby. True, it was hard to be there. It was a happy and a sad day. It was one more step toward saying goodbye to Sarah. It was a beautiful wedding and we were so glad to share in the day.