The beginning....My entry from an old blog in 2007

Sunday, April 29, 2007
August 8, 2003 my life changed unexpectedly. I remember lying in the middle of my kitchen floor clutching the phone as I dialed my father's phone number. I can recall using every ounce of energy to beg him to come and get my sweet girls so they would not have to watch me fall apart. When you find out your husband for life is not who you thought he was, desperation sets up camp in your heart. At that moment fear was all over me and claiming that the "Lord was my strength and my song" (Exodus 15:2) was the last thing on my mind.
After all, I felt about as weak as I could feel and I can assure you I did not feel like singing.
Looking back now, if I did feel like singing I probably would have chosen the chorus to "She's a Maneater" from the 80's. Remember the line "Here she comes. Watch out boy, she'll chew you up".

That next year felt like I was living in a bubble where my world was in slow motion while everybody else moved at their own pace and passed by with what seemed like their perfect, happy lives. I remember praying so hard just to act half way normal around people hoping that the labored sounds of breathing weren't so evident in my everyday task. After all, unless you were the town gossip, hadn't everybody gotten tired of talking about my pain and drama? Yet what was the appropriate grace period for 10 years of total dedication to making your marriage something great? That's when I really decided I better quit asking God "Why?" and start asking Him "Now What?"

Almost four years later I have finally come to the conclusion that I want Jesus to orchestrate my life. For years I made my own path in life and often found myself way off the beaten path. Beaten by the ways of the world and my own pride. Most of that path was in the weeds where I couldn't even see clearly and I got burrs in my socks. Oh, I loved Jesus. I just thought I didn't need Him in all areas of my life. "Here God, this is where I need you, but I got this part over here covered." Therefore, Psalm 16:11 has become my personal verse. "Make known to me the path of life and in Your presence, I will experience joy." Trust me, there are days that His path isn't fun or comfortable at all. Those are the moments I reflect back on how I felt on August 8, 2003. So now each day I choose to lay on the floor and call on my heavenly Father with a different type of desperation. Desperate to know the next step He has for me, I call on Him asking "Now What?"