Tough Questions - Real Answers #9-Ridley's Sisters

My questions today are for my sisters in law. Ridley is very close to his sisters and during his tragedy, you can see the important role they both play.

QUESTION: Where were you when you were notified about the wreck?

HARRIET: Since that weekend was Easter weekend, I was shopping for clothes and Easter basket items for the boys. Richard (her husband) and Carter were at ball practice; Ric was home alone. Ric called while I was out shopping and said Coffee Co. hospital wanted me to call. At first it just did not register. I told him I'd call when I got home, hung up, thought about it a few seconds. I then put down the items I was purchasing, headed for the parking lot while calling Ric to get more information and a phone number. I was driving home as I talked with Ridley and the nurse at the hospital. I was the first one contacted so I then had to pull myself together so I could get in touch with others.

TONDA: We were an hour away from Douglas, where the wreck occurred. We had been to the beach overnight for spring break. Keith’s (her husband) phone was ringing and I answered. The caller ID read Coffee Regional Medical Center. Since Keith represented several doctors it wasn’t alarming. He got lots of calls from that number. The female voice asked to speak to Keith. I told her he wasn’t available and she said that his brother, Ridley, wanted her to call and let Keith know that he and the baby had been in a wreck. I said, “He doesn’t have a brother. That’s my brother.” Immediately I remembered that they were coming home that day from spring break. I said, “Where’s my sister-in-law?” She stammered and told someone in the background, “She wants to know about her sister-in-law.” She couldn’t give me an answer. Immediately after hanging up with her my sister called and told me that Sarah had died.


QUESTION: What was the hardest for you to watch with Ridley and the kids after the accident?

HARRIET: I think the toughest memory of the children was as we took each one in Ridley's room, closed the door, and waited outside until we heard the tearful response when Ridley told them Sarah Ellen was gone. For Ridley, I wanted to do for him, but I felt so limited. Maybe that was the hardest, knowing he was beginning a new life without Sarah Ellen-physical injuries, being both parents, emotional wounds, shepherding a church, making a move.

TONDA: When we all gathered around his bed in ICU (Keith, Harriet, Richard and Mother) and he asked us if she was gone. We confirmed and his face crumpled and he said, “I didn’t want to be alone.”

QUESTION: Was it hard to figure out your role in the healing process?

HARRIET: I wasn't sure how to help. I was going to be three hours away in Columbus working and caring for two very involved teenagers. I'm not sure I played much of a role once I went home, not because I didn't want to, but because I wasn't there to be a part.

TONDA: It was and it wasn’t. So many people stepped in to do practical things, like meals and church related things. I knew they were taken care of on that level. Plus, Mom was living with them and doing all that she could. My heart wanted to be there for Harrison and Abby and, honestly, for Sarah – to tuck them in every night, to do things like their mama did that would keep their world as normal as possible. I had to realize that I couldn’t do that for them and my own boys, too. It was a desperate feeling.


QUESTION: How did your own family cope as you tried to help Ridley and the kids?

HARRIET: I'm not sure if being physically removed from the healing process made it worse or better. I wasn't sure how the boys processed it. I did learn later one of the boys seemed to have more problems with it than the other. Richard was my anchor in the storm. He was there for me. All I know is God was our strength; there is no other way we could have gone through (emphasis on through) all of this.

TONDA: Our boys could not have been sweeter. They understood every time I hopped in the car to run to Ridley’s. They were the ones who wanted to move to Franklin when they heard he and the kids were moving. After we moved and everything was new and different, one of them did say that everyone was so sympathetic to Harrison and Abby, but that they were hurting, too. They really loved Sarah and Josh so much.

QUESTION: Your father passed away two months before the accident? Can you even put into words what it was like to lose so many in such a short period of time?

HARRIET: My first concern was Mother. She was already showing signs of depression. I could not imagine what this would do to her. Fortunately, she lived closeby. She handled it with all the faith and strength she showed during Daddy's illness. She immediately went into "Mama-mode", concerned only about caring for Ridley and the children. As far as Josh is concerned, I was so anxious about Ridley caring for three children with his injuries. I feel in my heart, regardless of what others say, Josh would not have been healthy had he lived. I feel guilty thanking God that Josh is healthy in heaven, and that Ridley had two healthy children here since he was raising them alone. I knew he had many challenges ahead, and knowing God would help him through all of it, I knew it was not going to be easy. How much more difficult would it have been if Josh had problems related to the accident, and Ridley had to deal with those in addition to all the other? I never felt bitter about what happened at the hospital. It was hard to comprehend when it happened, but all I could think about was those involved with what happened. No one intentionally made that happen; they had to be hurting in ways we could not imagine. Yes, we hurt, and it didn't seem fair, but they hurt, too, and we know that none of this happened without it being under God's direction. I think about it sometimes; we lost three family members from three generations all in six weeks. Each one taught us something. The following year was especially filled with tough "anniversaries"-birthdays, wedding anniversaries, holidays-days that reminded us of each one.

TONDA: I was always a daddy’s girl. I had to say goodbye to him over the telephone because Keith and I were in Europe doing music at a pastor’s conference. That hurt so badly. I wanted to touch him – to love him one last time. I must say that Sarah brought disbelief, but when we found out about Josh I didn’t respond to those people very kindly. I know very deeply that everything comes through God before it gets to me, but I think his death was the last straw with my resolve.

QUESTION: What was difficult for you as Ridley began dating and then announced he was getting married?

HARRIET: To use Richard's terminology, I went into "alpha female mode". I knew Ridley did a great job of finding his first love, and he is an extremely intelligent man. However, there was a part of me wanting to ask for applications, background checks, and several references before he even considered dating someone. Remember, he was not just chosing a wife, he was choosing a mother for my niece and nephew. When he announced he was marrying a woman who had been married twice and already had two children, I honestly had many concerns.

TONDA: My mama heart just wanted to make sure that Harrison and Abby were okay with it all. I think Ridley always handled the dating thing really well. And you guys have obviously done a tremendous job with the “two become one” process. You’ve blended your lives as well as the lives of your children in a most admirable way. It’s an incredible pattern for others to follow.

QUESTION: What has been the hardest part of being involved in our blending of a family?

HARRIET: The hardest part is we still don't see each other much so it's harder to "be" family. Yes, we are legally joined, and we love one another, but I wish we were more a part of one another's lives.

TONDA: Abby broke my heart for a while. She had been the daughter/wife/mama (or so she thought) since the accident, especially after they moved to Tennessee. I watched closely to make sure she was okay through it all. I appreciated the fact that you were so graciously sensitive to her little feelings. It also helped that you talked with me about it a lot. And, of course, Harrison becoming the minority was comical and a tad bit heartbreaking at times! It has taken some time, I think, for Morgan to let us love her. I think we’re there now, but many times I felt disheartened because I couldn’t seem to connect with her. She’s a beautiful young lady, but she’s been through a lot. I understood, but we’re one big happy family and that includes her. I just wanted us all to jump right in and have a love fest! I’ve tried to respect that and let it just happen. Landon’s nature is just loving and accepting.

QUESTION: In the last 7 years, explain what God has done in your life as a result of being a part of Ridley’s journey?

HARRIET: Wow! I cannot tell you the number of times I've been able to use what we have been through to help someone else going through a similar situation. It also has made me stronger in my faith in God's goodness. As I remind others in difficult times, He leads us "through the valley". That means we come out on the other side; we don't stay there.

TONDA: I don’t think there’s time to share everything. My little family began our own Jesus Journey the year before the wreck and the past eight years have been intertwined as He has proven time and time again that He is who He says He is. I’ve loved Him my whole life, but the two events have planted my life so securely in His. I know without a doubt that He loves me and that He is trustworthy – even when I can’t see it.