Tough Questions - Real Answers #8 - My Mom

By now you might be wondering if I am going to interview great grandparents and second cousins. I promise I am not going to take it that far, but there are certain people that God has put on my heart. On this side of pain and tragedy, I really want to know these things for myself. Therefore, I think it might be important to share for others. It was really cute when my mom came to me and said, "I wouldn't have answered some of the questions the way your father did." Although they are about to celebrate 45 years of marriage this weekend, they have individual thoughts and were affected differently. Here is what mom shared that was different.

Question: You were the first person I called the minute I found out about the affair. What do you remember about that day?

Mom's Answer: My main concern that day were the girls. I knew your father would take care of you but the girls were visibly upset because they saw you upset. We hugged, cuddled and kept busy. I did not want them upset.

Question: What was the hardest part?

Mom's Answer: I think most Moms can feel what their child is feeling and there were times (and still are) that I could stand next to you and feel your pain or hear it in your voice.

Question: Were you ever mad at me for staying in the marriage and attempting to work it out?

Mom's Answer: Sometimes. I thought you could have a better life and you were not seeing the situation clearly. I was probably wrong. You just don't give up easily.


Question: What did you think when I started dating Ridley?

Mom's Answer: I liked Ridley and admired him. I thought he was a good balance for you but my respect level for him hit a 10 when at 39 years old he came and asked your Dad and me for permission to marry our daughter. I have loved him ever since.

Question: What is the hardest part for extended family during a divorce and then with blending a family?

Mom's Answer: Swirling your family has been easy for us. Other people adopt kids and you love them immediately. We loved Abby and Harrison from the first time we met them and they have been our granddaughter and grandson along with our other 4 ever since. Hearts can hold a lot of love.

Question: Did you learn anything new about God through all my stuff?

Mom's Answer: I learned something very valuable about God. All my life I have talked to God about things and my prayers are usually answered quickly. I prayed for years that your situation would change and I thought he wasn't hearing me. See it didn't happen when I wanted it to. I learned God has a plan for all of us and it is in HIS time not mine. It has taken me sixty-some odd years to learn that. We have to be patient and I have truly learned patience.

Dad and I have always been very proud of you and nothing you have ever done has changed that. We believe in you and Ridley and hope it is in God's plan for us to see what he has planned for you.

Tough Questions - Real Answers #7 - My Daddy

After thinking over the last six posts, I have thought a lot about relationships in general. Through my divorce I saw how my parents and brother were affected. Events happen in our life and they have a ripple effect on the people in our lives. The first extended family member I wanted to interview was my dad. My family has always been close and over the years my heart has been broken for the heartache I have put my parents through. It must be hard to watch an adult child and to know when to be silent and when to speak up. My daddy has a heart of gold but can be a man of a few words when talking about tough stuff. That is why I am so grateful and proud of his willingness to share his answers.

Question: You were the first person I called the minute I found out about the affair. What do you remember about that day?

Dad's Answer: I remember you called hysterical. I came and got the girls and brought them to Mom. I came back and lifted you up off the floor and stayed with you until you calmed down. (Most of the afternoon). It really wasn't a shock to me because of the way he had acted over the years.

Question: How hard is it to watch your adult child when they are in a bad environment or when they make bad choices?

Dad's Answer: You love your children and don't want them to get hurt. You always want the best for them and you want them to be happy.

Question: What did you learn through my divorce?

Dad's Answer: I didn't learn a lot. I already knew divorce was hard on kids but I was relieved you were getting out of a mentally abusive situation.

Question: What was the hardest part?

Dad's Answer: Watching you go through all the anguish and trying to take care of all my girls. Watching all he did over the years and not being able to change it, broke my heart.

Question: Were you ever mad at me for staying in the marriage and attempting to work it out?

Dad's Answer: NO!!!! I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at him for all the years of him never saying he was sorry and for all the lies.

Question: What did you think when I started dating Ridley?

Dad's Answer: WOW!!! Finally maybe something good in your life.

Question: How did my past affect your outlook on us getting married?

Dad's Answer: It didn't!! You were a lot smarter and I trusted your judgement. I knew Ridley was a Godly man.

Question: Has my past affected the way you deal with my new family?

Dad's Answer: No. Not at all.

Question: What is the hardest part for extended family during a divorce and then with blending a family?

Dad's Answer: During a divorce your family just loves on you and tries to see to your needs. Swirling a new family was not hard for me. It was probably harder for the kids to love new grandparents than for us to love them.

Question: Did you learn anything new about God through all my stuff?

Dad's Answer: I have learned more about God as I watch you and Ridley and how you are touching the world one life at a time. I am so proud of you and how you have handled your life. I am proud of the Barron Bunch too.

Tough Questions- Real Answers #6-Lisa

I wasn't going to put myself as one of the interviews in this blog series. I didn't think asking myself questions was interesting and you guys hear enough from me. However, a dear friend sent me a text and said I should let my family interview me. So, I have asked each family member to think of two "tough questions" for me.


Morgan's Question: What was the hardest part of being a single mom?

Answer: I think one of the hardest parts was trying to balance my time working to provide financially and spending time with you guys to make sure we were talking, laughing, and making new memories. It was a constant tug of war. Actually it is a big battle for most married, working moms, but it was much more intense as a single mom.

Morgan's Question: What have been the biggest challenges in forming relationships with Abby and Harrison?

Answer: This is a great question but hard to wrap into a short answer. I think the toughest part has been trying to love the way I love on my kids and combining my way with the way they were used to from Sarah or Ridley. It is a little harder when kids are older and I haven't wanted to push the relationships. I constantly think about how Ridley or even how Sarah would want me to handle what are normal, every day situations for moms.

Abby's Question: Have you ever been mad at God about something and then later thanked Him for that same thing?

Answer: Yes. After being married for so long and working hard to stay committed to the marriage, I was mad at God that He waited so long if He was going to allow my marriage to fall apart. I now thank Him for the things I learned from that season in my life. I thank Him for the three years I was by myself and healing (even though I was lonely) and I thank Him that He did wait. My ex husband and I separated 3 months before your families' accident.

Abby's Question: If you could do one thing different since getting married to dad, what would it be?

Answer: As much as dad and I talked about things and prayed about things before getting married, there are still things you just don't expect. I think I would have worked harder to find a Christian blended family that we could have met with periodically to share concerns and to hear some wisdom from someone who had been through it.

Landon's Question: What was the hardest part of the divorce?

Answer: The hardest was watching how someone else's choices (his and mine) caused you and Morgan pain. It was also very hard running a full time real estate team and being a mom on the days that I was so down or discouraged. There were so many days I wanted to hide under the sheets but I had to keep moving for the other people in my life. It is very hard to put one foot in front of the other when your world is crumbling around you.

Landon's Question: Do you think you did the best you could when you were a single mom?

Answer: No. Probably not. At the time I thought I was doing good but looking back, I see a lot of mistakes I made. It is very hard to parent the best you can when you are in the middle of healing. Healing takes some inward focus and some selfish moments. I now know that both you and Morgan wished I hadn't worked so much.

Harrison's Question: What was the hardest part about having a son for the first time?

Answer: Ahhhh. I guess the hardest part is that guys are so different from girls. I obviously knew they were different but I didn't realize those differences would require learning how to parent in a completely different way. I just thought my love and my experiences as a mom would get it. I do think it has been a little harder starting when you were almost thirteen. That is a tough age for boys and girls.


Harrison's Question: What is the best part of having a son?

Answer: This is easy. I always wanted a son. I think the best part for me is when we have talked sports or I can help you with "girl" questions. Teaching me about the Braves has been fun too and even when you batted the baseball right into my head, is a great memory.


Ridley's Question: How have your expectations changed from your other marriages to this one?

Answer: Wow. I could give a bunch of answers but I think the most important one is making sure that I am a Godly wife living out God's expectations of me. I have relied too much on MY expectations in the past. I didn't have Jesus during my first marriage. I didn't accept Christ until my second marriage was underway. This time, I let Jesus be the boss of the whole thing. I want to keep it that way. I fall short a lot of times but there is nothing like my past experiences to jerk me back to what is really important.

Ridley's Question: What is the hardest part of trusting a man again?

Answer: This one almost makes me cry. Nobody wanted me to trust again more than me. Once that is taken from you (even by someone else), words are very hard to believe. Actions are huge! As much as I wanted to believe you, it has been the times that you share emails from other females or when you look away from the inappropriate things on t.v. that have helped to build trust. The more you have been unselfish and patient with that part of my healing, the more I see how much you really love me and put me before yourself. Hearing your prayers for me is the cherry on top!

Tough Questions - Real Answers #5 Ridley

Next up is my hubby and best friend. Ridley and I have talked about so many things over the years, but some of these questions are questions I have never asked him. Some are questions that I thought others might want to ask him if they had the opportunity to ask. It is so hard to know what is "ok" to talk about when dealing with a past or a new future. All of my gang has been given permission to not answer something if they didn't want to.


Question: I have to ask you this question just like I did the kids. On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you?

Ridley: Ummm. Nine

Question: What would it take for you to be a ten?

Ridley: Heaven. I don't know that if we are being realistic, we will ever be a ten this side of heaven. Sometimes I am an eight when I am trying to figure out what God is doing with me and my family and what He desires for us.

Question: Before you met me, you thought you wouldn't marry a divorced woman. Why did you?

Ridley: I didn't say I wouldn't. I was just leery of it, but I got to a place of peace with the idea of dating and marrying a divorced woman.

Question: What has been the hardest part of marrying a divorced woman?

Ridley: Dealing with your past and swirling a family.

Question: What do you mean by "dealing with my past"?

Ridley: Ummm. Learning what it looks like to face up to your ghost of your past marriages and really the unique challenges that both of us have bringing our past into a new relationship. Some days I wish I could take away your past (the parts you don't like) so we didn't have to deal with it.

Question: It is obvious that my bad memories have affected our marriage. Do you think your good memories have affected us?

Ridley: Every memory affects all of us in some way. I just don't think they affect us so negatively.

Question: What do you think has been the hardest part of swirling our family?

Ridley: Reconciling our differences in parenting styles. You and I talked about values in our kids ahead of time, it is just the process by which we get to that.

Question: We have learned that divorce and death are painful but affect us in different ways. How do you think losing Sarah has affected you beyond the obvious?

Ridley: It has forced me to step back and look at perspective...what really matters. I think in a positive way, it has made me a more compassionate person. It has made me see life for the precious gift it is. It has also made me treasure my kids in a different way.

Question: Do you think about Sarah and Josh every day?

Ridley: No, but that doesn't have to do with having you and the girls. When I was a single parent, I didn't think about them every day either.

Question: When do you tend to think about them the most?

Ridley: Something will bring up a memory or special occasions like one of the kid's birthdays. Also special milestones like when Harrison started driving.

Question: You have had to help the girls and I to trust again. Has it taken longer than you thought?

Ridley: Yes, maybe a little bit but I think that is partially because of my naivete.

Question: Do you feel like you can talk about Sarah and Josh with me?

Ridley: Yes

Question: Do you sometimes feel guilty for being happy?

Ridley: No, because Sarah and I had conversations before she died about how we wanted the other to remarry if something happened. We both wanted each other to go on with our lives and to take care of the kids.

Question: Is it hard to focus on the present when you have an incredible speaking ministry based on your past?

Ridley: I don't think so. I think sometimes it does feel like I am lugging around a past. It might be easier if I could put it where my other memories are and to move on, but I know God wants good to come from it.

Question: What is your favorite Sarah memory and your favorite Josh memory?

Ridley: I have a lot of both, but Sarah's would be our wedding day. Josh's would be the night before he died because I taught him how to swim at the hotel and we watched our first Braves game together.

Question: Is it hard to love two women?

Ridley: I wondered if that would be hard at first, but it is a lot like children. You have one and wonder how you are ever going to love a second one. Then God gives you the capacity love in ways you have never dreamed.

Question: What do you think Sarah would have liked the most about me?

Ridley: You two would have hit it off big with your love for prayer and the Bible. No doubt about that.

Question: Out of the interviews with the kids I did, what answers surprised you or blessed you the most?

Ridley: All four of them have some unique perspectives that reminded me of how blessed we are. Their understanding of the challenges we all face was neat to read. I have a lot I could say but I intend to blog about it.

Question: What is the hardest part of being a step dad?

Ridley: To me, being a step dad isn't much different than being a dad. It is just that instead of starting in the minor leagues and working your way up, you get thrown into the world series.

Question: Is there anything about death or swirling a family that you would want to share with others?

Ridley: Blending families is a lot like going through grief. While there are some lessons that you can take away from other's experiences, every one's situation is unique. There are lessons about time, patience, trying to fix other people when in reality God may be using them to fix you, endurance, respect, learning to forgive one another and to have a home filled with grace.

Tough Questions - Real Answers #4-Harrison

Harrison is our sixteen year old son. He has started driving recently and just got his first job at Chic-fil-a . Harrison is handsome, smart and loves his sports. He loves both sides of the bench....playing and being a fan. He just got his second vuvuzela and he is driving his sisters crazy!!!!

Question: On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you?

Harrison: Eight

Question: What would it take to get you to ten?

Harrison: Hmmmm. Probably get my grades up a little more and get better at saving my money. A girlfriend would help too.

Question: Ok, I have to ask this one because we hear "Poor Harrison" quite a bit. Is it tough having all sisters and what are the advantages?

Harrison: Yes. It is tough knowing that whenever I get bored there isn't like, a little brother to throw the baseball with. The advantages are I am more educated on how girls act so that should help when I have a girlfriend. Big sisters are easier because she has been through things I am going through and if I need to ask a question, she has dealt with it before.

Question: You have just started driving. Does it make you think different after your family has been involved in a tragic car accident?

Harrison: No. Not really. I don't think about it that much.

Question: What do you remember about the wreck?

Harrison: I know we were coming home from vacation at Hilton Head. We were pretty close to home, we got hit by a truck. I remember we were watching Finding Nemo. I don't remember anything until the part when I was at the hospital.

Question: Do you remember how you felt (at nine years old) or the questions you asked when you heard about your mom and then four days later heard about Josh?

Harrison: Whenever I woke up at the hospital, they let me go into dad's room and he told me mom didn't make it. I remember crying. I don't remember much else. I think I fell asleep or blacked out. I don't remember a whole lot about Josh. I remember dad and aunt Tonda coming home one day and they were crying. I asked why they were crying and dad sat me down in his lap and told me what happened to Josh.

Question: When do you think about them the most?

Harrison: To be honest, in the last couple years, I haven't thought about them that much. I did for the first couple of years.

Question: Why do you think that is?

Harrison: I try not to think about it because it brings up sad feelings. I was so young so I just don't remember very much about the random things.

Question: What was the hardest part in adjusting to only having a dad?

Harrison: We had to get used to his cooking. I remember how every morning my mom would take me to school so then I had to get used to dad taking us to school. It was just different.

Question: How did you feel when he started dating?

Harrison: Ummmm. I was kind of excited because then there was someone other than dad that I could kind of treat like a mom while they were dating.

Question: So, how has it been swirling a family?

Harrison: There are a lot of annoying parts. That is what you have to do to get acquainted to your new siblings because that isn't normal for a lot of people to do. I had to adjust to having three sisters instead of one.

Question: Do you like having a bigger family or do you sometimes wish it was still just you, Abby and dad?

Harrison: I would rather have a mom than just have the three of us.

Question: Has it been hard to adjust to a new mom?

Harrison: Yes. my real mom and dad would let me eat whatever, but I wouldn't want to be overweight. You are more strict than my mom was. I think it is mostly because you are having to deal with a teenager and she didn't.

Question: What advice would you give to someone who is just blending a new family?

Harrison: Just like anything else, if it gets tough, you can't give up. You just have to deal with it. Like in baseball, if you are losing by five and the game is only half over....the game isn't over. It can get better.

Question: What is your favorite memory of our family in the last three and a half years?

Harrison: It was the time that we went to the beach and all stayed in that big house with The Solomons.

Question: Did the accident make you angry at God?

Harrison: (big sigh). A little right after but at the time I was still young so I knew who God was, but I didn't fully understand how He picks things to happen and why.

Question: What is your relationship with Christ like now?

Harrison: I think going through all that made my relationship better. I am thankful for what I still had and He didn't take everything away. It did make me closer to Him.

Question: Do you have any big fears?

Harrison: Getting through college is a fear. I can be a procrastinator.

Question: For teenage guys the whole relationship with Jesus can sometimes be perceived as "not cool". What do you have to say to that?

Harrison: I worry a little bit at times what my friends think, but I do have a lot of Christian friends. Our life now really doesn't matter as much as what happens later in our life, so that is what I would tell them and I don't think it is something to worry too much about.

Question: Do you know I love you?

Harrison: Yes ma'am.

Me: Thanks Harry bug (that is what I call him) for being honest and sharing!

Tough Questions - Real Answers #3- Landon

Thank you so much for the incredible response to this series of blogs! I love hearing how this helps people. Please understand this is a brief glimpse of each family member's perspective and that was my whole point in doing it. I also want you to understand that our kids have been involved in counseling throughout the years and I never want to encourage parents to skip that. Counseling is a vital part of healing.

My next one-on-one is with Landon. Landon is eleven years old and will be twelve next month. She is spunky and creative. Her mind is always racing. Landon's smile and personality can light up a room. She is so loving towards others. As a side note, Landon is the only child that currently leaves for visits for an extended time with her dad. She is gone every other weekend.

Question: On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you?

Landon: Nine.

Question: Is that the highest you have ever been on the scale and what would make you a ten right now?

Landon: No. I was a ten during that time I didn't have to go spend the night with my dad. So, if I didn't have to go spend the night, that would be a ten. I just want to be there during the daytime and I want to be back home at night.

Question: What feelings do you have on the Fridays you have to leave?

Landon: I get excited at first that it is Friday and I am out of school. Then I remember I have to go to my dad's house. I am happy to see him, but I would much rather be home and not miss out on my family. My dad is usually talking business all the time on his phone anyway.

Question: What can we all do to make that time away better?

Landon: I want you guys to text me when I am gone so we can talk. It would always be great if you spent more time with me when I am home. (SMILE)

Question: What do parents need to know who might be considering a divorce?

Landon: Try to solve it as much as you can. If a divorce does happen, be sure to tell the kids it is not their fault.

Question: Did we tell you it was not your fault?

Landon: Yes ma'am

Question: Do you think your dad and I tried to solve it as much as we could?

Landon: I think you did, mom, but I don't think my dad did.

Question: Why do you think that?

Landon: I saw it.

Question: What would you tell me to do differently when I was a single mom?

Landon: You could have been around more. You were gone a whole lot working. You could have told me more about the divorce and why it happened, when I was younger.

Question: Mommy had to work so you could have some of the things you had. Would you have rather had a house not as nice and less things, so I didn't have to work as much?

Landon: Yes. I would pick having you home instead of all that stuff. I would trade it for more memories.

Question: What is your favorite memory of swirling our family? (we prefer this term over "blending" around the Barron household)

Landon: The time I had a date with you and daddy all by myself where I got to color with daddy, played hide and seek, and ate McDonald's. It is also when we all hang out together doing anything.

Question: What is the hardest part of swirling a family?

Landon: Well....probably dealing with having new siblings. You aren't used to them and I kind of found them annoying at first, but now they are only annoying some times. (She laughs)

Question: Are you mad at God about the divorce?

Landon; No ma'am. I was at first but not any more. I am actually thankful for the divorce now.

Question: Why?

Landon: Because I have better people in my life now that I can look up to.

Question: How has the divorce and swirling our family affected your relationship with Jesus?

Landon: It has made it stronger. I have had to rely on Him more. I talk to Jesus like a friend.

Question: Is there anything you want people to know about divorce?

Landon: Divorce is really hard on kids because you don't have a choice and someone just leaves.

Question: What was it like when you got a new step dad?

Landon: I was so used to just having you that I went to you every time when you guys were first married. If I tried to go to him, Abby and Harrison were always going to him and I didn't get much chance. Now, I go to both of you, but I don't want to not go to you. I sometimes get nervous he might leave.

Question: Do you think Ridley might ever really do that?

Landon: No

Question: So why do you get nervous that he might leave?

Landon: It is kind of weird because I don't think he will leave but that is a fear I pray about and I pray to trust more.

Question: Do you have a boyfriend...just kidding. Do you want to get married one day?

Landon: Yes!

Question: What is the most important thing you will look for in a husband?

Landon: That he is a Christian and that he really does love me.

Question: Do you ask God why a divorce and why a new family?

Landon: No. I know He has plans for everything. That actually gets me excited to see what is going to happen for me later on.

Tough Questions - Real Answers #2

My #2 interview is with my (step) daughter, Abby. She is about to be thirteen in ten days, as she just informed me. She is smart, beautiful, very mature for her age, and has a huge, loving heart for others. Here is a peek into her world.


Question: On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you right now?

Abby: Eight or nine

Question: What would make you say a ten?

Abby: Ummmmm. If we had more family time to do our quiet times like the time we did the lemon, chocolate chips, and hot sauce.

Question: I don't remember what we did with that. Can you remind me?

Abby: laughing....You had us sit at the table and eat all three. You had us eat the chocolate chips which represented us when we were sweet. Then you had us squeeze lemon juice on the chocolate chips and that was how having a sour attitude changed the sweet of the chocolate. Then you had us drizzle hot sauce which was like satan tempting us with anger or a bad attitude.

Question: Do you remember any parts of the car wreck your family had and if so what do you remember?

Abby: I remember.....how dad was driving most of the trip and then he switched with mom. I remember watching my favorite movie Finding Nemo in the van. I didn't see the car coming. I then only remember being put in an ambulance with the bad guys but I don't think anybody else from my family was in there.

Question: How did you know they were the "bad guys"?

Abby: I did not know them so I assumed they were the ones that hit our car.

Question: Do you remember anything about the hospital or right after the hospital?

Abby: We went there and they told me that I was going to be okay to leave, so I went with my aunt. Then we went back to the hospital the next day and I remember walking in and seeing dad on the bed chatting with the doctors and Harrison was on the floor playing a video game. I remember asking where mom was. Dad told me she went to heaven overnight.

Question: Do you remember how you felt right when he told you?

Abby: I felt like everything froze right in front of me. I felt lost and very confused. I cried.

Question: When do you miss your mom the most?

Abby: I would have to say on Mother's Day. I remember making my little cards for her with stick people and she and I would be holding hands with daisies.

Question: Do you think about her every day or are there some days you forget?

Abby: When I am having a not-so-great day, I think about her more. Then when I am having a good day, I feel guilty for not thinking about her.


Question: On your not-so-great days, does thinking about her help?

Abby: It helps when I journal. It is not a diary because I am talking to God. I know I can talk to some people like dad or you or close friends but I don't talk much to other people because I don't like the sympathy.

Question: What was it like when your dad started dating?

Abby: I felt like he was trying to replace mom. I just wasn't used to it. Then I got more used to it and would get close to some of the people. It was hard to make an effort because I knew they were going to leave because I didn't think anybody would be the one he would pick.

Question: Tough question.....Were you happy when he asked me to marry him?

Abby: Yes. I remember as soon as we found out, we were jumping around acting crazy. You were my favorite and I am not just saying that. I felt like an empty space was filled.

Question: Swirling a family is hard and a lot of work. What has been the hardest part for you?

Abby: Ummmm.....sharing dad. Because I was always used to only sharing him with Harrison. I am adjusted now and feel like I get my daddy time.

Question: How has it been adjusting to me as your step mom?

Abby: Like when people ask about my family, step mom gets stopped in my throat because it is kind of weird. It is weird because I was always used to saying "mom" and when mom was gone I got used to not saying "mom". It was "dad" "dad" "dad" all the time. It then went from Ms. Lisa slowly to step mom. When describing our family, I say step sisters and people want to know if my parents are divorced. I have to tell them my mom is up in heaven. It is weird having to share that with people you don't know very well.

Question: You called me "mom" early on and it actually surprised me. Was that hard and is it still hard?

Abby: I felt like I was supposed to even though you and dad never told me to, but now it comes naturally. A step parent should never feel guilty for replacing somebody because you are filling up an empty space in someone's heart. Even though things haven't been easy for us getting to know each other, I have learned to be more open with you.

****For privacy purposes, I will tell you Abby and I stopped right here for a moment and shared some sweet thoughts and tears that I just didn't feel like needed to be shared. I think it blessed both of us.*********

Question: With losing your mom and Josh, how has that affected your relationship with Jesus?

Abby: At first I remember being on the couch a lot from the bruises from the accident. I remember playing with my Barbie doll and asking God what was going on and I was really mad at Him at first. But, not so much anymore. That changed when dad started speaking and sharing the story so that good can come from it. That helps me to understand better what He is doing. It makes Jeremiah 29:11 understandable. I am not mad at Him anymore.....I mean I am an 8 or a 9 out of 10.

Tough Questions-Real Answers #1

For the next several blog posts I am going to interview my family members. Last year I spoke to a group of women and in preparation for the topic of "Parenting Through Pain", I interviewed my daughters. Yesterday, I decided to do the same for my blog. I am going to ask the tough questions in order to get some real answers that might give me a better perspective, help me to learn how to pray for my family, and to give some insight to others that may find themselves on a similar journey. Talking is healing. Sharing is encouraging. Obviously, every person and situation is different, but this is a glimpse inside The Barrons.

I am starting with our oldest daughter, Morgan who just turned nineteen and is in college. She is home right now for Spring Break. She has been through two divorces and has been some strong glue in blending our family.
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Question: When have you been the happiest and why?

Morgan: Right now. Well, I guess it would be because I feel like I am living my own life. When you were a single mom, I felt like I had to take care of you and Landon. Then when we blended a family, I felt like I had the responsibility to make sure all of the kids got along. Now, I feel like I am getting to be me.

Question: How has living through two divorces affected you?

Morgan: I have a lot of trust issues. People in the past have said one thing and then done the opposite. It has also left me with a fear that everybody is going to leave me. At the same time, it has kind of made me very careful about love and I want to make sure that I marry the right person. I want to be sure that I listen to God to marry the right one.

Question: After three and a half years of our swirled family, do you trust Ridley?

Morgan: I want to be respectful of my real dad, but mine and Ridley's relationship is really close. I feel like if I have any problems or have made a mistake, that I can go to him. He gives me great wisdom. Ridley is very loving to me and patient with me because in the past I have not trusted him....not because of him but what I have been through. The only time my trust waivers is when Ridley gets upset about something and then I think he might leave too. I know he won't but sometimes those old feelings come back. So, yes, I trust him....more than I ever thought I would, but I have to work on my own issues from my past.

Question: What is the hardest part of swirling a family?

Morgan: Honestly, the hardest part is breaking down that "his" and "her" wall. That is what you are used to and I guess, my example would be for all the kids. It was hard to balance my relationships with Harrison and Abby because I was so close to Landon. It is hard to step out of your comfort zone in your own home. I didn't expect to come home and have to work so hard on relationships that normally should be natural. It has taken a lot of intentional work and time. It really takes time. It is hard that both sides come from two totally different stories but we all have been through a lot pain.

Question: What is your worst memory?

Morgan: I have tried to block out a lot of it. Two come to mind at first. One is when you and John would be in an argument and I did not want Landon to hear it. She was really little so I took her into her closet so she couldn't hear it. It was hard for me because I felt like I should protect her but I didn't have anybody to protect me. Second, you took me and Landon to a hotel for a "sleepover". I knew we were going to get away from what was going on at home. It was hard because Landon thought it was something fun but I was really scared.

Question: What is so important for divorced parents to know about their kids?

Morgan: Well, I guess it would be that just because they are going through a divorce, they need to get along for the kids' sake. That is something I really appreciate with you and my dad. I am glad I didn't feel like I had to pick sides. Parents need to understand that when a child wants to be with the other parent, that doesn't mean they don't want to be with them. Parents do not need to talk ugly about each other. I only remember a few times around the holidays that you may have said something and that was because you wanted time with me.

Question: What is it like to be in a new family for three years and be leaving for college?

Morgan: There were mixed feelings. The main feeling was that I didn't want to miss out on the growth in our new family. I felt robbed of time. I felt like I didn't get a lot of time but I now know that I am feeling closer because I miss them and the time I do have is more special.

Question: How important has church and your relationship with Jesus been for you growing up and when was it most important in your mind?

Morgan: It definitely played a HUGE role in who I am now. I have known Jesus since I was four years old. It is hard to imagine growing up without Him. There were times I was upset at the situation, but never angry with God. Never. There are key people in my life that were in my church who loved on us and took care of us through the hard times. It has been the most important for me while being at college. You guys aren't there to remind me to have a quiet time or go to church. There are really lonely times with making new friends so prayer and reading your Bible is huge. It gives you so much comfort and confidence.

Question: You and I have been the one constant thing through all the junk (Morgan: "Besides Jesus"). You had to grow up really fast. How has that affected your relationship with me?

Morgan: Ohhhh. I used to resent you around the middle school years and the beginning of high school. I don't any more. I know you did the best you could in your situation. Now, I feel like it has brought us closer. There were a lot of times that we only had each other. I think those situations we have shared help us now to understand each other and to help each other. Nobody can ever understand what we have been through except you and I. You are my best friend.

Question: By statistics that are out there for children of divorce, you are supposed to fail. What do you have to say about that?

Morgan: I am not going to! I hate that statistic. That is so NOT encouraging to kids that are already going through so much. I think that gives kids a cop out and that a child's success shouldn't be solely based on their parent's marital status. That makes me want to succeed even more. I am going to make sure I am constantly in God's Word to do His will and not my own. If I am doing that, I won't fail.

In The Meantime

What are you doing in the meantime? I have had several conversations with friends and with my husband lately about living for the next big event. We tend to focus our attention towards the big stuff....the next baby...the next job...the next big birthday....the next house...the next boyfriend or girlfriend....the next success. There are many things each of us can fill in the "next" blank with.

I have been challenged to concentrate on the meantime instead of the milestones. There are verses in the Bible that encourage us "to be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) or "to wait on the Lord" (Psalm 27:14). Those are wise words but that doesn't mean we don't have purpose or responsibilities in the meantime. There is important stuff that God does for us and with us in those meantime moments. If you look in the Bible you will see story after story of people and their choices in the meantime.

We can read about the story of Sarah who wanted a child so desperately that she filled her meantime with her own plan and got ahead of God. She tried to hurry up God's plan by allowing her husband to sleep with her slave, Hagar in order to have a baby. Sarah later dealt with the consequences of taking the meantime matters into her own hands. God had a plan to give her a baby and even with her impatience, He still blessed her with a child of her own. The disciples had to learn to fish for fish first before they could be fishers of men. Moses had to tend to his father-in-law's sheep for forty years before he could tend to the people he was going to lead to the Promise Land.

The Bible has clear direction on what we can be doing to stay busy while we wait. There are people that need to be loved and ministered to. Our prayer life can be enriched. We can heal or grow. We can teach others while we are learning ourselves. Don't feel the need to help God along. He's got it!

In retrospect, I can look back on some of my own long meantimes and see that God was preparing me, making me stronger, and teaching me to depend on Him more. God was dreaming big for me and I didn't need to spend so much of my time just focusing on my big dream. Besides, His dream was much bigger and better than any I could have ever dreamed up.

If God is taking a while, don't worry. He might be dreaming REALLY big and the extra time is needed. Find your purpose in the meantime. Learn what you are supposed to learn and enjoy it. God doesn't waste anything so focus on the really cool stuff He has for you while you wait!

My Morgie

There is nothing that makes you feel older than when one of your children is having a birthday. We celebrated Morgan's 19th birthday yesterday and even though I knew it was coming, I woke up Sunday realizing that nineteen years have gone faster than I could have imagined. As the day went on, so many memories ran through my head. There are birthdays that jump out in my mind and some that I don't remember very well. However, there was one that kept popping in my head yesterday.

It was the year that Morgan turned two. It was shortly after my first divorce and I remember the family party we had at my house. It was a Lion King birthday. I can still picture the cake, the balloons, and hear all the chatter of family as we celebrated. As she blew out her candles that night, her bleach blonde ponytail bounced around and her little hair bow on top truly reminded me of what a gift she was. I loved the noise of family that night, but after everybody left it was painfully quiet. It reminded me that I was a single mom and I was scared to death to have the responsibility of raising my daughter on my own.

That night, after the cake was eaten and the party was over, I tucked Morgan into bed. Shortly after, the storms started and my little birthday girl was racing into my room. I let her snuggle up close. No matter how lonely I have been at times in the past, I never allowed my girls to sleep in my bed, but that night was an exception. With her little fingers feeling my face in the dark, I asked her what she was doing. She said, "I am looking for your smile." She proceeded to tell me, "Get ready!" I asked her, "For what?" Then as the storms continued, she told me that God was taking our picture for her birthday. With every lightening flash in the sky, she would shout out, "CHEESE". We giggled in the dark way beyond bedtime.

Even though I didn't have a personal relationship with Christ when Morgan turned two, I couldn't deny that there was a God who created that precious little girl and that He loved me enough to allow me to be her mommy. At the time, the thought of God taking our picture was cute. Now I know that God knew every aspect of my life and every decision I was going to make way before I did. He knew the pretty and the not-so-pretty and He still loved me enough to let me be Morgan's mom....Landon's mom and now Harrison's and Abby's.

If you are a parent, you may be planning a birthday party at some point in the next year. The absolute best gift you could ever give your child is the gift of taking them to a church that loves Jesus and preaches the Bible in its entirety. That gift will give them truth and love that will increase their ability to deal with the tough stuff in life. It will give them the confidence to face challenges. It will help them to know that they are never alone when they are away from you. It will increase their self esteem to know that they can accomplish big things. It will teach them that they are worthy. Celebrate with your kids that God doesn't make mistakes and that the Creator of birth-days has a photo album with their name on it.

I'm Sorry

On Sunday, as our church worshiped through communion, Ridley reminded us of the importance of taking care of business first. That meant if there was anything left unsaid or unresolved with someone in the room, we needed to take care of it right then. I began to examine my heart and pray. I probably could have held up the service for a good hour if I had truly been obedient to take care of all the business I needed to right then. I prayed that God would forgive me for my wrong doings and that He would point those out to me and make them obvious to me well beyond the hour or so we were in service.

At Ridgeview we do things a little different. We worship through communion any way we are comfortable. Some families move off to the side to pray privately. Friends pray at the alter. Individuals find a quiet spot and worship in their own way. It is a sweet, intimate moment. As our family gathered in a circle, our youngest daughter was the first to speak as she said, "I'm sorry for the things I have done to my family." I was blessed, amazed and challenged by her words. I have heard her words in my head several times this week.

One of those times was early in the week at the tail end of the day. The "tail" was much longer than I had pictured for the day as I rushed through the usual ritual at night. We get all the chickadees settled and resettled, the dog taken care of for the night, the inventory of locks and bolt locks, the list of needs for the next day so we can get a jump start, and then, with exhaustion on my face, I head to bed. This particular night I had to head to bed with an "I'm sorry" to Ridley. I had snapped at him a couple of times in the process of going through the ritual. I was tired and dealing with some pain. While standing in the bathroom, I heard Landon's "I'm sorry". Why are those words so hard to get from our heart to our mouth? By all means the circumstances warranted my snappy behavior, BUT my husband did not!

I know as I grow in my faith, I continue to learn more and more about the importance of forgiveness. The need to ask God to forgive me and the need for me to forgive others. That, in itself, is a hard thing to not only do, but to really mean. There is freedom in forgiving and in asking God to forgive us. However, I believe we miss an important part of forgiveness. I think it is easy to tell others we are sorry for their hurt. It is easier to tell others we are sorry for the lies they have been told or for the bad day they are having. We might say we are sorry for someone's loss. How many times are we so freely "sorry" for what we have done to someone (big or small) AND tell them.

Just because I am the mom, doesn't mean I shouldn't tell my kids "I am sorry". Just because I am the best friend, doesn't mean that I get to skip that part of the friendship. Just because I am the wife, doesn't mean I don't have to tell my husband I am sorry because he loves me anyway. There is great maturity in doing right instead of being right. "I am sorry" is a powerful statement. It can tear down walls and bring instant healing. It can take good relationships and make them great!

None of us are ever going to be perfect, but I do believe "Practice makes us a little closer to perfect". Say you are sorry today and watch what the Perfect One will do!